Then there was a halt – a long, forced one. I was never wise enough to take a voluntary rest, to step away for a moment, take some time to breathe. I had to be really sick to stay in bed; I had to be dizzy to stop jumping out of bed the moment I heard the alarm. Mornings were the worst part of the last few years. I simply could not leave my bed; my body ached and my head felt like a sack of sand. Even worse, I was sometimes dizzy to the point that I did not dare open my eyes. I was helpless and dependent on my family and that made me feel sicker. I used to be the active one, the one who came to the rescue and did all the chores and never asked for help. There was no way I could continue this way.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia syndrome; it is not the worst disease in the world, but it can make you feel like you have the symptoms of all diseases combined. It requires life-long treatment and major adjustments in your life style, especially if you used to be as active as I was. But you know what? Every cloud has a silver lining. The experience forced me to take a break from the hassle of life, to explore aspects of it that I had never looked at before, to appreciate what I have and to empathize with those I took for granted, and above all, to try to unburden my mind and soul through writing.
But I still call it a pause, or a halt, but not an ending. I still feel I can do more, but I have to do whatever I do more consciously. I want to be fully present throughout what is left of the journey. I do not want to function on automatic pilot as I did for years. I do not want to rush things; I do not want to worry and fret over the trivial stuff; I want to live and to achieve things. Wish me luck!